During the night a whisper worked its way into my mind.
“What if He’s not real?”
I immediately started to pray.
“God I trust you, please work a miracle for us”
Then I drifted back to sleep.
Over and over this whisper would come to me in the night and my response was always the same. As I got up and started my morning I tried to ignore the whisper, pretend it wasn’t there. I went out to the store to get a couple of things. I was alone. As I was driving home the whisper became a little louder in my mind, so loud it could not be ignored. Almost involuntarily I spoke aloud,
“God I know you are real. I know you are real. I won’t believe that you aren’t. “
I started to cry because it was in that moment I realized that the true fear of my heart was somehow He wasn’t real and I was hoping and trusting in nothing. But in that moment I had to choose what I would believe. I Chose Him.
My heart then started to cry out loud to Him,
“I don’t understand why you aren’t answering quicker, I don’t understand the wait. I know you are trying to teach me something, I know you will receive the glory. I am trying to be patient, but I’m afraid. Lord where do I go. I don’t know what to do.”
Quietly and quickly I heard another whisper that said.
“Stay in the palm of my hand.”
In response, in utter honesty I respond,
“Lord, I can’t find it. Help me find it. I feel lost.”
I wish I could say that God immediately brought me peace. He didn’t. I had to choose to focus my mind and actions on something else. I went home and started making muffins to give to the neighbors and my spirit has quieted for a little while. Sometimes I think we want this faith journey to be like a Hallmark movie. When things are bad we are waiting for the resolution at the end. Much of our life isn’t the resolution though, it’s the angst in the middle. How we navigate this “middle” is important to how the end will look. I do think one thing though was accomplished this morning, no maybe two. I addressed the whispers of the enemy to turn my heart from God. and I spent my mental and physical energy in serving someone else.
I still need God to guide me to the palm of His hand. I still feel a little lost, but the whispers of the enemy to deny God’s existence has been thwarted.
I know that He is Real!